You ‘should’ read this blog.
(Really ;))
Why I Hate The Word ‘Should’
When was the last time someone told you you ‘should’ do something? When was the last time you told yourself you ‘should’ do something? I will guess that it was within the last day.
How did it make you feel? Did you immediately jump to do or say or feel whatever it was you ‘should’? I’ll take another guess again that you didn’t.
As as a parent not only do you get all your own ‘shoulds’, you get all the ‘shoulds’ for your children too. What and when and how they should do everything.
The Loaded Word
shouldverb1. used to indicate obligation, duty, or correctness, typically when criticising someone’s actions.
Should is a really judgemental word. It immediately assumes that what you are doing or saying or feeling right now is wrong. If you should be doing something else, you can’t be doing the right thing right now? You should change. It’s impossible to say without sounding like you’re passing judgement on someone (or yourself). And it’s impossible to hear without feeling challenged or attacked. Should is Could with guilt.
With children involved it becomes even more loaded. Everyone has an opinion on how children ‘should’ be raised, on everything from physical milestones to sleep. Your children are a fundamental part of who you are, and ‘should’ becomes not only a judgement on your child but on you as well.
How You Beat Yourself Up
Should is one of those words that turns up a lot in the way you talk to yourself. ‘I should be thinner’, ‘I should be on time’, ‘I should do more with my kids’. And it’s always something you are using to beat yourself up. Should isn’t a word that inspires you to change, it is a word you are using to pass judgement on yourself.
Thinking ‘I should’ is often rooted in comparing yourself to others. It gives you the impression of being not enough, but without any positive reasons for changing. Should imparts guilt on you.
Parenting ‘Shoulds’
Parenting in today’s society is fraught with pitfalls. Many of them seem to come from the word ‘should’. Children ‘should’ behave in a certain way. Children ‘should’ sleep in a certain way. Discipline ‘should’ be handled in a certain way. ‘Should’, whether from outside or from within, don’t often come from a place of positivity. It doesn’t come from an evidence based understanding of how children work. ‘Should’ comes from what we believe and challenging these can be hard.
As a parent, you want to do the best for your children. You want to help them have a positive self image, help them build confidence, help them make their way in the world. You worry a lot about what they ‘should’ be doing to achieve these things. Parenting often fills us with guilt for not being perfect and meeting all the ‘shoulds’
Ditch The Should
What would happen if you ditched the word ‘should’? Why not try replacing it – try ‘could’, ‘might’, ‘may’….
‘I should be thinner.’ becomes ‘I could be thinner’
‘My child should sleep like all the other children.’ becomes ‘My child might sleep like all the other children’
‘I should use wraps to be a proper babywearer’ becomes ‘I could use wraps to be a proper babywearer’ (By the way, we don’t believe wraps are more “proper” than any other kind of sling.)
Changing the word changes the sentence. The should sentences are closed, they leave no room for further discussion. They are a statement of what ‘should’ be. Changing the word opens it out. You could, and this is what might help. Your child might, but they might not and this is why. You could, but you don’t have to. Changing the word gives you choices rather than shutting them down!
Be Kind
Parents are under a huge amount of pressure. A simple change in language could help you be kinder to yourselves and others. Spread a little kindness and ditch the word ‘should’.
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